Perfection
Just writing the title of this blog brings up angst for me. Having been raised in a family, and more specifically by a mom whose motivation was always about achieving perfection, I quiver when I even contemplate the word. If we as a family unit, or the ten of us individually could not pull off the perfection thing, at one time or another, then at least we knew not let anyone suspect that Burroughs were not perfect. Personally, as a child, I believed Mom hook, line, and sinker when she told us Burroughs were perfect! “Everyone else,” she told us, “had problems, poor souls, but not Burroughs!” Somehow, we found the magic potion to make us immune to the failings and flaws that plagued the rest of the world.
She had us convinced, or at least I was convinced of this fantastical truth in my youth. I was so proud to be part of an elite group who had the perfection gene running through our blood. Of course, the day eventually came when I woke up and realized I was not perfect after all. I was just like everyone else. You may be thinking, that must have been a devastating moment. Yet, in fact, the opposite was true. I was so glad to let go of that enormous pressure, and just be human, rather than trying to be superhuman. However, there was still a nagging question. I knew the human Drusilla was not perfect, but what about my soul?
Through my modest spiritual quest, I believed it was perfect. The struggle then came with trying to reconcile, what I believed to be, the perfection of my soul’s energy, with the terribly imperfect and chaotic energy of my human ego. As a young adult, I was told that if I worked hard, studied meditation, did lots of inner work, and prayed like a torrential rainstorm, I could keep my ego in check and my soul would take over the job of honing our collaborative attempt at perfection. Unfortunately, as a young person, it is hard to resist the trappings of a voracious ego bent on instant gratification and corporal pursuits. How I looked, what clothes I wore, and how accepted or popular I was, seemed far more important than delving into spiritual truths.
Unfortunately, all the ego driven fear, and lack of spiritual awareness led me down some dark paths that resulted in many moments of anguished and confused tears. I finally realized that it was up to me to find the missing pieces to the mysterious and complicated puzzle that was my life. That was when, around age thirty, I embarked on an intensive spiritual path in search of my soul. When I finally found her nestled in the sanctuary of my inner temple, she basically said, “What took you so long? I’ve been calling to you for years.” I believed she was the perfection I was seeking. God made her, after all. God, our creator is perfect love. I believed that for sure, so being only love, this omnipotent being could not create anything but perfect love.
Though I continued to believe that I could not understand why my soul could not use her perfection to keep my ego in check so I would stop making dumb mistakes. It seemed as if I was doomed to living a double a life fraught with moments of enlightened soulfulness and perfect goodness, and ones of material and physical desperation along with egocentric neediness that led to feelings of emptiness and shame. I also became aware I had strong powers of empathic knowingness, and energy manipulation that I employed to try to control the outcome of situations and relationships. I could feel I was not making the best choices, and the results were not always what I intended, but they were hard to resist. I never tried to hurt anyone, but I am sure my sometimes-mindless behavior did just that. I was in a quandary and completely flummoxed.
“Maybe my soul was not perfect after all,” I thought. “If that’s true I am doomed!”
The good news is, as time went on, my moments of soulfulness grew, and my moments of ego-driven pursuits lessened. My life became much more peaceful, and much less chaotic. Yet, I still could not solve the mystery of my perfectly imperfect soul, until I did, or at least I believe I did. Awakening spiritually is an inside job and there is no definitive way to prove the wisdom and knowledge that comes through within that sacred space. There is simply an inner knowingness that what we discover there is true. Truth resonates deeply and feels as if we are remembering something we already know but just forgot. I call that my “truth meter.” Please, keep in mind that we should never believe 100% what we learn from anyone, even the people we believe to be enlightened and spiritually wise. We all have our own inner “truth meter.” If something does not resonate it either means it is not true, or it is something we are not quite ready to understand and integrate.
What I learned, when contemplating my soul’s perfection or lack of it, was that our souls were born as pure love. We were also born with great power given to us by our Creator. Yet, when we were birthed, we were very much like human children. We needed to learn how to control our power and not misuse it. We were also given the opportunity to choose a human body and brain chemistry that necessitated a cooperation between our body and our soul. The whole human experiment is quite tricky. Luckily, we have our team of light on the other side to help guide us, and help us remember why we came here, especially when we get off track.
Therefore, as a human soul, no matter how noble, lofty, and good intentioned our purpose for coming here was, we can be, and often are, seduced by the temptations here on the earth plane. The personality, and tendencies of our human counterpart can be quite persuasive, and we may spend numerous lifetimes caught up in childish, self-gratifying pursuits, much like some humans who never seem to grow up.
Eventually, with the help of our team of light both during our lives, and in our time between lives, we begin to see that we have been getting nowhere and decide it is time to get serious and concentrate on living a more spiritually aware and awakened life. That is when our movement on our journey home accelerates and we cannot easily be distracted again. It is also a point when we may become advisors and teachers for souls who may have also become stuck in the same way we once were.
So, the bottom line is, it is ok to embrace our imperfection. It is a necessary part of our physical experience and the evolution and maturation of our souls. We just need to keep the lines of communication open with our team of light, so they can reach us and get us back on track when we wander too far from our intended path. The way to accomplish this is through daily meditation, prayer, present moment awareness, and awakened consciousness. Eventually, we all find our way back home.