This is going to be a tough topic to discuss because, though I’ve experienced this situation more than a few times, I had no idea how I ended up there, and I’m not entirely sure how I found the oasis I was seeking, and eventually the way out. Yet, I do know that even the most devout and pious among us find ourselves there at times. It feels shocking to have spent so many years with our feet firmly planted on our spiritual path and then to the find ourselves completely lost and weeping as we look around and see nothing familiar and so little spiritual comfort or hope. We tend to feel like some kind of an imposter who only pretends to be forging forward in our spiritual evolution while at the same time assisting and helping others to leave the barren wasteland of spiritual uncertainty and find their own beautiful garden path that leads to truth.

It's a sad and sorrowful time in that desolate, isolating space. Often, we collapse, wrap our arms around our curled and weary legs, our head buried in our arms, and crying despondent tears. We tremble shrieking emotional heartfelt pleas for help and assistance in finding our way out of that dry and infertile land. We try to meditate, and we pray fervently yet, there we still wander, worn out, parched and still seeking the Divine sanctuary that will refresh us, renew our strength and bring us back home to our true selves. Even Jesus temporarily found himself feeling abandoned and alone as He faced the horror, He knew was about to befall him, His crucifixion. It can happen and probably will to many of us, but there is always a light in the distance that will bring us back home to our soul.

When this first happened to me many years ago, I was completely flummoxed. I had all my memories of transcendent awakenings and spiritual doorways that opened wide before me and led me to a spiritual peace I could never have imagined. There was not an ounce of doubt, hesitation, or skepticism. I found the portal to my inner sanctuary, and it was there that my faith truly came alive for me. I didn’t simply proclaim my faith in God’s Infinite light and immortal truth, I began living it. It was a heavenly and miraculous life-giving presence that coursed through every cell of my body and every inch of my immortal soul. I felt as if nothing could ever lock the door to that celestial space. I had the ethereal key tucked away inside of me and I believed it was mine forever more.

So, what happened? Well, what happened was the remembrance and sobering truth that I was not only a divine immortal soul, but I am also a mortal human being. I was susceptible to the negativity, violence, divisiveness and hatred that churned and pummeled the earth like violent hurricanes and destructive tornadoes. It tore up people’s lives, their homes, their faith in God, and their trust in each other. We forgot that we are all connected to each other and began to be fear our differences which led to more and more divisiveness, wars, and destruction.

When we unlock our blessed inner sanctuary, we also unlock every tiny emotional space within our open and vulnerable hearts. Our soul, that is love becomes the beacon of light that leads our lives. However, along with such loving openness, also comes a tendency for us to become deeply wounded, and to bleed profusely from our broken hearts that long only for love, but instead often find mostly fear and hate. The more I focused on the harshness in the world, the more my hope and belief in humanity’s ability to remember who we are and heal from our misguided ways waned and dwindled. I began to believe that perhaps, hate was more powerful than love. That loss of faith in love’s power is what led me to that barren desert of despair and hopelessness. Thankfully, it didn’t last long.

Somewhere in the midst of my despondency were distant, echoing reverberations of deep inner voices of a million souls reminding me of the power of unifying love. Those voices grew ever louder as my faith and hope began to return and grow stronger. The lightworkers, both on earth and in spirit, led me to a cool, comforting respite, an oasis where my spirit was renewed, and my soul’s power soared back to 100%. The Dessert was finally behind me and in front of me was a lush garden filled with the heavenly refreshments I needed to stay strong in spirit and soulfully directed. I reunited with my legion of lightworkers and we continued on our mission to move our wounded world away from destructive and divisive fear and back to unifying and transformational love.

So, you might think that was the end of my tendency to be led off my soul’s path of pursuing God’s infinite light, Divine love, and absolute truth. After all, I believed the gate to the desert of spiritual emptiness was locked forever and I’d never be tempted to go back there again, right? Wrong. It doesn’t happen often because I’ve learned not to be pulled into the harshness and tragedy that happens every single day in our country, America, and all over the world. If I start watching the news, too much a darkness washes over me and my heart feels as if it’s physically being torn apart. My inability to make a significant difference and right the wrongs here in the physical world brings back that feeling of hopelessness once again, and if I’m not careful I can get pulled back into that barren desert of despair.

Unfortunately, this past week had that effect on me. Another mass shooting in Ross Elementary school in Texas was an unfathomable, gut-wrenching tragedy that was an evil darkness that was just too much for my eternal soul and my human heart to bear. Maybe the fact that I am still recovering from a pretty serious surgery left me more vulnerable, and one of the reasons I was unable to stand strong and unwavering in my energetic power. I’m not sure.

The news of what happened hit me with a ferocity like I’ve never felt. Each innocent child so viciously and callously murdered felt like they were each my own child violently torn away from me leaving a gaping bloody hole in what felt like my mortally wounded heart. I sat on the couch clutching my gut, my head buried deep into a barren emptiness in my chest that was torturous. My husband asked what was wrong and I sobbed inaudible words and guttering cries of grief and pain. It felt as if my own precious children George Adam, Brittany, and Alyssa had been suddenly forever ripped away from me, torn from my womb. That safe sanctuary within me that, though physically empty for many years now, still held the footprints of the light and life I carried for those nine beautiful months. In that moment, they were gone, stripped away from me through the grief of those devested mothers and fathers that I didn’t know at all, and at the same time knew intimately. I was them and they were me and I entered their world of torment and agony that I knew would never truly end.

The desert was visible before me, and I had a choice to enter or not. I was angry. I was furious that this had happened yet again in our country, a country I love and believe in despite having so many reasons not to. No! I would not succumb to the darkness. I was stronger than the darkness. My love was stronger and brighter than the blackest of nights. I turned back toward the garden of light and received even more strength from love’s power. I had no idea how I could help convince our people, my America that it is not these individuals alone, committing these atrocities, who were mentally ill. It is us as a country, as a people. Our beloved America, founded on an ideal and a belief that all people are equal. We have professed to have fundamental civil rights. We were born with freedoms, most of which was our freedom to “live.”

These mass murders are being committed mostly by our children whom we created, raised and influenced. Perhaps, they are mentally ill yet, if we really think about it, so are we. Our country, The United States of America, the home of the free and land of the brave, that once put God at the Head of our great land, has become corrupted to a point where we have become mentally unwell. Somehow, we are giving birth to and raising murderers, most of them barely adults themselves. We lost sight of the unity of people from all over the world that worked together and made America the great country it became. We need to take responsibility for what we’ve done and make things right in every way possible. We must protect our innocent school-age children from us, a broken country. We must also protect them from our lost and deranged young men and women who care so little for the precious gift of life that they would so callously steal it from our helpless babies and then from themselves.

There is hope, however. We can remember who we infinitely are. In the garden of light along with the many lightworker souls, we will stand together. We can and will do our best to awaken our country of fearful human ostriches with their heads buried in the sand. As a collective dazzling light of love, truth, and Divine power we can awaken those who have turned their back on us and force them to see the will of the people, powered by the will of our Creator. We are immortal infinite souls made of love and capable of creating miracles and we will. The very soul of our country is at stake. Failure is not an option! We will succeed! So, let us never lose sight of the garden of God’s love and unity because love truly is far more powerful than fear and hate.

God, please bless and comfort the bereaved and grieving mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and friends, and God bless America and the world.